Rest in Peace

A gut wrenching blow to my stomach.  I feel so sick like I could throw up, yet I can't because there is so much pressure on my chest it takes all my might to get a breath.  The voice on the other end of the phone is trying to comfort me, "I don't want to be all negative, miracles do happen and maybe she could make it.  But I also want to be real with you.  So I am guessing you want to talk to your family and you can get back to me whenever you need to.  I understand it is a hard decision to make."  I sob through, "Thank you and I'll call you soon."

A day I knew that was in our future, in a year or so I thought.  And never in a million years did I think it would be MY fault.  Never did I think I would be responsible for the pain.

Granted I am not the dog owner that takes them into stores with me or paints their nails and feeds them gourmet meals.  But we LOVE our dog.  We actually got Addie when we bought this house.  Yes, I know that was only three years ago (considering Addie turned 12 this past April), but it was as though we had had her since she was born.  Her previous owner had told us she was never really fond of kids.  Then we had brought Rowyn over and she was so surprised at how Addie was drawn to her, she had never seen that before.  Amazing love for both of our girls who often used her as a pillow.  (But we all know that out of all of us Rowyn was her favorite).  She had such a great personality.  Loved ball, (Soccer or tennis...heck pine cones or chunks of wood even), she guarded our house when appropriate, and corralled our naughty, escaping, strawberry eating sheep.  She molded into our family perfectly.

Last Saturday I was backing out of our driveway and I knew.  Out my mouth came, "What was that?"...But I instantly knew.  She had been laying under the car lately and wouldn't get up even when I started the car.  There had been a few times I would have to get out of the car and call her over and she would just complain like a teenager, "Awe mom, really?"  "Yes Addie come over here, we need to go."  She would begrudgingly get up and give me the stare to let me know how I had made her move from her comfy spot.  I knew she was there.  I loved on her as I walked by to move the water to the other part of the yard.  Why I didn't think to look again I don't know.  Luckily I hadn't even stepped on the gas yet and by the time I had got out to check on her she had moved.  Calling her over and squeezing all of her bones and back, nothing broken, no blood, she was walking.  Ok.  Of course I cry and feel horrible, but she seems ok.

When we come home that night we find her miraculously inside the house laying on the girls beanbags.  Rowyn and Reese make their pallets right next to her.  Rowyn covers her with her blanket and there the three sleep.  The next few days we watch ever so close.  She even seems to get better.  Running even.  Then Thursday, the worst we had seen her.  This morning I take her in.  I have a great friend who comes and helps me lift her into the back of my car.

"Hewe Momma, I just picked this fow Addie."  Reese places the rose next to Addies cheek.  The girls say bye and they are off to play with friends.  I didn't think this would be "Good Bye" good bye.  I regret that too.

I call the doctor back and I didn't have to say, the sobbing said it.  I sat on the floor with my poor girl telling her how much I love her, and the girls lover her.  She laid on my leg as her warm body went to sleep.

"I wanna go see Addie now."  "Oh Reeser."  When I tell the girls I am surprised.  Rowyn plays and makes funny faces.  Reese, it takes a few minutes, but then is crying sitting on my lap.  So hard for a five and three year old to grasp.  We get home, another stomach churning moment, no Addie greeting.  I send the girls on inside ahead of me.  I had to lay down plastic and towels due to Addie's incontinence.  So I left the door open to let the car air out and gather the towels.

Later the girls are outside and I hear an excruciating cry.  It's Reese.  "What, what baby?"  As I am doing the Momma once over with my eyes to see what is hurt.  Between her golf ball sized tears she says,"Addie just didn't take hew flowew."  Knife to my heart.  As she flung her whole body into mine just heartbroken I tell her Addie wanted her to keep it so that when ever she looks at that rose Reese will think of her and how much Addie loved her."  It took a little reassurance, but she finally believed me.

The girls have said sweet things that stab my heart each time.  Like Rowyn telling Reese that Jesus is playing "ball Addie".  Or Reese asking, "When is Jesus going to come get us because he jus takin' a long time.  I wanna see Addie."  Reese even told Papa tonight, "Addie is heaven and she jus dosen't huwt dewe."  But the hardest one is when they ask why or how she was hurt.

I just can't seem to find the peace with it.  I know there will never be another Addie.  Too amazing of a dog for God to make two.

Love you Addie...