Rest in Peace

A gut wrenching blow to my stomach.  I feel so sick like I could throw up, yet I can't because there is so much pressure on my chest it takes all my might to get a breath.  The voice on the other end of the phone is trying to comfort me, "I don't want to be all negative, miracles do happen and maybe she could make it.  But I also want to be real with you.  So I am guessing you want to talk to your family and you can get back to me whenever you need to.  I understand it is a hard decision to make."  I sob through, "Thank you and I'll call you soon."

A day I knew that was in our future, in a year or so I thought.  And never in a million years did I think it would be MY fault.  Never did I think I would be responsible for the pain.

Granted I am not the dog owner that takes them into stores with me or paints their nails and feeds them gourmet meals.  But we LOVE our dog.  We actually got Addie when we bought this house.  Yes, I know that was only three years ago (considering Addie turned 12 this past April), but it was as though we had had her since she was born.  Her previous owner had told us she was never really fond of kids.  Then we had brought Rowyn over and she was so surprised at how Addie was drawn to her, she had never seen that before.  Amazing love for both of our girls who often used her as a pillow.  (But we all know that out of all of us Rowyn was her favorite).  She had such a great personality.  Loved ball, (Soccer or tennis...heck pine cones or chunks of wood even), she guarded our house when appropriate, and corralled our naughty, escaping, strawberry eating sheep.  She molded into our family perfectly.

Last Saturday I was backing out of our driveway and I knew.  Out my mouth came, "What was that?"...But I instantly knew.  She had been laying under the car lately and wouldn't get up even when I started the car.  There had been a few times I would have to get out of the car and call her over and she would just complain like a teenager, "Awe mom, really?"  "Yes Addie come over here, we need to go."  She would begrudgingly get up and give me the stare to let me know how I had made her move from her comfy spot.  I knew she was there.  I loved on her as I walked by to move the water to the other part of the yard.  Why I didn't think to look again I don't know.  Luckily I hadn't even stepped on the gas yet and by the time I had got out to check on her she had moved.  Calling her over and squeezing all of her bones and back, nothing broken, no blood, she was walking.  Ok.  Of course I cry and feel horrible, but she seems ok.

When we come home that night we find her miraculously inside the house laying on the girls beanbags.  Rowyn and Reese make their pallets right next to her.  Rowyn covers her with her blanket and there the three sleep.  The next few days we watch ever so close.  She even seems to get better.  Running even.  Then Thursday, the worst we had seen her.  This morning I take her in.  I have a great friend who comes and helps me lift her into the back of my car.

"Hewe Momma, I just picked this fow Addie."  Reese places the rose next to Addies cheek.  The girls say bye and they are off to play with friends.  I didn't think this would be "Good Bye" good bye.  I regret that too.

I call the doctor back and I didn't have to say, the sobbing said it.  I sat on the floor with my poor girl telling her how much I love her, and the girls lover her.  She laid on my leg as her warm body went to sleep.

"I wanna go see Addie now."  "Oh Reeser."  When I tell the girls I am surprised.  Rowyn plays and makes funny faces.  Reese, it takes a few minutes, but then is crying sitting on my lap.  So hard for a five and three year old to grasp.  We get home, another stomach churning moment, no Addie greeting.  I send the girls on inside ahead of me.  I had to lay down plastic and towels due to Addie's incontinence.  So I left the door open to let the car air out and gather the towels.

Later the girls are outside and I hear an excruciating cry.  It's Reese.  "What, what baby?"  As I am doing the Momma once over with my eyes to see what is hurt.  Between her golf ball sized tears she says,"Addie just didn't take hew flowew."  Knife to my heart.  As she flung her whole body into mine just heartbroken I tell her Addie wanted her to keep it so that when ever she looks at that rose Reese will think of her and how much Addie loved her."  It took a little reassurance, but she finally believed me.

The girls have said sweet things that stab my heart each time.  Like Rowyn telling Reese that Jesus is playing "ball Addie".  Or Reese asking, "When is Jesus going to come get us because he jus takin' a long time.  I wanna see Addie."  Reese even told Papa tonight, "Addie is heaven and she jus dosen't huwt dewe."  But the hardest one is when they ask why or how she was hurt.

I just can't seem to find the peace with it.  I know there will never be another Addie.  Too amazing of a dog for God to make two.

Love you Addie...

Seattle

We don't go over to Seattle much.  We should.  It is only an hour away, but we get too caught up in our everyday lives.  Nana, Aunt Kathy, Tessa and Josh came up for a few days.  It was fun.  Saturday was great weather.  We walked Pike Place Market, walked along the piers, and ate lunch at Ivars on Lake Union.  Even did a little shopping up at Westlake.

The entire time Rowyn and Reese walked and enjoyed some of the sites too.  Long day for little legs.  As long as they had snacks the world was good.

Reese was saying the sun was in her eyes.  (Thank you God for the sun in her eyes!)

Four generations.

Best of friends.

Mom trying to fit in to Seattle.

We went back over on Sunday and met at the Space Needle.  We went to the Pacific Science Center and I vowed that since we are homeschooling next year we will definitely be utilizing that place. 

Reese was not too sure about this dinosaur.

The butterfly exhibit is pretty cool.

Frank and Josh having a competition?

Of course....food.

We took a duck tour.  Fun tour of the hot spots and history of Seattle.

We went from the rode to the water.  Literally, we went out onto Lake Union.

Gas Works park.

We saw quite a few airplanes landing and taking off.

Ending dinner at Cheesecake Factory.

It was a fun weekend with family and lots of going, going, going.  The girls were great.  No fussing or whining.  Reese was so tired sitting here that right when her food came she laid her head in my lap and fell asleep without taking one bite.

Rowyn turns 5!

My baby girl turned 5.  Unbelievable.  Rowyn is truly an angel.  She is so caring and thoughtful.  Self sacrificing, loving, and gentle.  She says and does things that I instantly think, "Wow, now THAT is Jesus."  She is extremely responsible and mature for her age.  I have often said my girls are old souls.  Her eyes sparkle and she is a Daddy's girl through and through.  Rowyn truly loves life.  The wind blowing the trees, the chirping of the birds, being outdoors, baking with Mom, singing and dancing, and riding in Daddy's truck.

We celebrated Rowyn's birthday at The Children's Museum of Tacoma in Gig Harbor.  Lots of family friends and fun!

Rowyn trying to catch the bubbles.  These bubbles were amazingly strong and long lasting.  High quality bubbles!

Everyone got to paint a little tote bag with patterns.

Face painting.  Coolest part was they had these special pencils that they wet the tip and it went on like paint.

This year Rowyn wanted My Little Pony.  She was much more invovled this year with how she wanted her cake decorated.  It needed to be square with purple on the bottom, a 5 on top and her name on the bottom.

Happy Birthday Rowyn.

Happy Valentines Day

I've never been a real big fan of Valentines day.  I'm not sure why.  But this year with Rowyn in preshool they had a party and that seemed to get me a little more involved with this holiday.  Of course we did the "wrap the box so we can decorate it at school".  Rowyn picked out some cute little Barbie cards for her friends (although I have to be honest, I did try to sway her towards some others that I liked).

Back when I was a kid (which I would like to think was not that long ago) we mostly just put cards into these boxes.  Occasionally you would get a piece of candy attached or a sticker.  But more times than not, just a card.  Well when I took her to school with her plain wrapped box for decorating day I kind of gasped inside.  "Oh no, Rowyn's box was the smallest."  Was there a certain size that I didn't read about on the take home sheet?  We used a shoe box.  Granted it was her shoes but still.  One little boy's box was so big I wondered what kind of box that was.  No ones feet are THAT big.

Not wanting to make her feel self concience, I didn't say anything to Rowyn.  When I picked her up I did ask her about her day and she did say that there was all different sizes.  But nothing about how small her box was.  Only about how big that little boy's box was.  Phew.  Then came Friday party day.  When I picked her up from school one of the first things she said to me was, "Mom, I just got a lot of sugar!"  I thought yeah I know.  We brought the frosting for the cookies they were to decorate.  I knew she would have some candy.  But as she went through her box of valentines I thought, "ugh...I didn't put anything with them!"  Some had little games, some tattoos, some candy, one was a very cute hand made flower with a sucker as the center.  Now, I like to think I can be a pretty creative, fun mom.  I didn't even think about it.

So as I am feeling disappointed in myself for not being a cool mom, Rowyn is in the back seat explaining to Reese, "Reesey, after we eat our lunch I can share with you if you want, but we have to eat our lunch first." 

Now why was I so disappointed in my mothering again?

Papa came over Saturday night for dinner and brought valentines for the girls.  Hedge hogs and a BIG bag of as Reese calls them...himm-uh-himms.  The girls named the hedge hogs Troy and Gabriella.  (From High School Musical).

The girls made Barbie valentines for Papa and Reese picked out a yummy box of pecan chocolates for him.

Reese got Rowyn a shirt with sparkles on the top and pink of course.  Rowyn got Reese some barretts, himm-uh-himms and a locket necklace.  When she saw the necklace she said, "Oh Momma, we can put a picture of you getting married in here."  How she new to put a picture in there I have no idea.  They both talk about our wedding and us getting married alot.

Reese got Daddy a bag of peanut himm-uh-himms.

Rowyn got Daddy a cute shirt.

Reese got herself comfortable and enjoyed those himm-uh-himms.

Cheeri-O's...I love you!